Give up the Good

You know how some people will talk bad about people they love, but if you say even the slightest negative thing about their dad/grandma/great aunt Mildred/second cousin Herbert/whomever, you get chewed out?

Yeah, that’s me. You might be this kind of person, too.

I’ll be the first to criticize those I love, but I’m also really protective of my family and those dearest to my heart. Don’t try to bad-mouth these people. The result won’t be pretty.

A few days ago, there was an “incident.” Someone I respect and call a friend said something shameful about someone I love. (*all names have been changed to protect the innocent.) The comment was publicly embarrassing, making it that much worse.

I still get shaky when I think about what happened because I’m that upset over the whole thing. It has really changed the way I feel about the offending party. But the situation is eye opening in another way.

Maybe it’s because I’m close to those I protect that I feel like I have a free pass to disparage them. If you’re in my inner circle, I probably have said something negative about you, even to people outside that circle.

Seeing that admission in writing makes it a lot worse than it feels in the moment, doesn’t it?

Often, I call it “venting.” As if that makes it better. Forgivable. Acceptable, even. Everyone vents, right? So it can’t be that bad. Right?

But venting about people in my inner circle should be just as contemptible to me as someone else making a rude remark. Sharing someone’s personal problems, faults and flaws with others isn’t OK.

I do think it’s a good idea to have a trusted person to bounce ideas off of. Someone to talk me off the ledge or tell me I’m overreacting. And whether or not I agree with that person’s opinion, I’m usually glad that I talked to someone else so that I go forward with some perspective and not simply my own limited view of the situation.

But there are two keys to making sure I’m not equally humiliating those I love:

1. Who I choose

The person I talk to needs to know me and the person I’m talking about. Intimately. It can’t be the first person I see after I get angry. It can’t be a random co-worker, a casual acquaintance, or someone who knows only me. These people will be too biased to offer constructive feedback. Or, more likely, it’s just none of their business.

2. What I say

The purpose of my conversation with the third party must be framed as a chance to gain perspective, not as griping. If I’m just complaining, I have no right to bring someone else into it. I need to keep it to myself or discuss it with the person I’m upset with.

In moments of frustration, I often forget these two things. When that happens, I’m no better than anyone else who insults someone I love. Instead of being an ally, I become an adversary.

Most of the time, I’m the biggest cheerleader for my friends and family. To make sure I stay that way, I’m going to try to control my tongue from now and not betray them with a few careless words.

Have you been guilty of disrespecting someone you love by venting?